So…social media. I have a mixed history with the rise of social media and sharing my personal life. It’s a big stage, and the internet lives on forever. That’s intimidating. You wouldn’t necessarily know it now, but I lived my life as a very private person. I was raised to keep private matters private and project a positive outlook to the world.
So, when I first got sick, I urged those in the know to keep quiet. Do not post about it on Facebook, please don’t share what’s going on with me with family members who would post on Facebook, etc. And my family respected my wishes, which was especially hard for my social Gemini mother.
There is shame associated with what I went through – the drinking, the illness, the addiction, the proximity to death – and before I came to terms with what I was going through and how I got there, I didn’t want to be judged. Because often, that’s what social media is – a stage for judgement. Seeing people posting about events to which you have not been invited, or feeling pressured to post positive content, or get comments or likes on your posts. The worst is having someone post things about you that you cannot change or control. All of these were my fears if my friends or family (besides my immediate) found out about my downfalls. One post, spreads to two, spreads to even those people that I barely knew in high school, having fodder to laugh at my poor choices.
The thought of it added undue stress to an already impossible situation. My mum, my dad, my sister, my fiancé understood this and respected my wishes. So, it was a really big deal to decide to do this podcast, to post these blogs. Being vulnerable and putting myself out there, though, I reasoned, was worth it if it helped anyone.
But past that, it has actually been freeing not to hide this part of my life anymore. Going through everything that I did forever changed my life. And my continuing health is a big part of my life – the highs and the lows, the wins and the losses. And now I get to talk about it. With you.