I am a sensitive person; I feel deeply about all things and empathize very easily with people. Others feel less, but I do think that carrying guilt is a universal theme for all people. Guilt is a sense of regret or responsibility for your actions or words. This can happen when you think you have harmed someone, gone against a personal moral code, or think you have made a mistake that affects others.
My guilt—massive guilt – comes from my illness, my addiction, my sickness, and what it put those that I love through. The harsh realities that I had to face were that I was responsible for so much pain, not only to myself but to others. Sure, I had an unknown genetic issue that helped it along, but ultimately, my drinking and all the consequences that came with it were my choice. And as my health declined, I had to come face-to-face with the reasons why.
A great deal of my guilt stems from watching my family members around me while I was sick in the hospital. It was heartbreaking. At my worst, I was in a lot of pain, often not being able to sit still, trying to contort into positions that would provide relief. Even with all that pain, I would have gladly taken on more not to see my mom crying next to my bed, or my dad looking helpless because his youngest daughter was going to die, and he couldn’t stop it. Those faces, along with my sister, my fiancé, and even my doctors, were seared into my brain.
We can all look back and feel regret, guilt about things we did in our past. Determining if your guilt is misplaced, duly earned, or maybe brought on by others will help find the root of your guilt. We are always viewing our past through an ever-changing lens of the present. Facing why you made the decisions you made to warrant the guilt you felt after is a good place to start. Feeling guilty has taken on a positive emotion for me and has helped to keep me sober, learning from past mistakes. Another piece of my sobriety puzzle. Guilt can feel heavy and difficult to move past. I have faced my guilt and am working through it, something I will likely always carry with me. Guilt feels heavy and can be difficult to move past, but my guilt is a part of me and will hopefully not let me repeat the same mistakes.